Silent Sorority: The Big Question and Time Travel {Ask the Author #6}

Since this is my last time in the "Ask the Author" role, I'd like to first and foremost express my appreciation to everyone who took the time to read Silent Sorority. I know it's not an easy read, especially when you're a "lady in waiting." I'd also like to thank the wonderful ladies behind this wonderful book club. Their work building a community and offering a safe place to reflect and share is just the sort of thing I craved when I was in my TTC days. I'm honored to have been invited to participate. And now on to the questions: Joscelyn from Chicago: You address the issue of adoption a bit, but I wanted to know specifically how you answer the question: "Why don't you just adopt?" I get these questions even though I'm still in treatment - treatment which thankfully covers some IVF, but not adoption. Also, it took me so long to mourn not being able to conceive the "fun" way, I can't imagine how long it would take me to grief not being able to have a biological child. Ah, yes, the question to end all questions. I cover the topic more completely in Silent Sorority, but as for how I answer the question when posed directly, my answer is a variation on this: Adoption is a calling, and not simply for those who can't have their own children. Because adoptions aren’t a “one-time transaction,” they require extra care to account for the lifelong issues for all involved: the child, the birth parents, and the adoptive parents. To really do this question justice, I encourage you to listen to a radio segment created by a woman who runs an informative website and radio show that explores infertility and adoption. I was joined in one interview by a therapist who also made the decision to live a life that didn't involve parenting after years in infertility treatment. She has counseled with many others facing this decision. Stephanie in Arizona: Going through IF for years now, if I could get a time machine and was able to talk to myself when I was just starting, I already have a list of things I'd tell myself. Being in your position now, what would you tell yourself before, during, and after your discovery of and dealing with your IF? Before: This won’t be easy. The infertility experience will turn your life upside down. Look upon it as a growth experience. Be realistic. Don't delude yourself about the treatment potential. They have a modest success rate -- <29% -- taking into account the best case scenario (age, diagnosis, contributing conditions, etc. (The UK government tracks success rates in the most comprehensive fashion I've yet discovered.) During: There are no clear explanations for why treatment isn't succeeding. Guard against being swept up in chasing a dream that may never materialize. The loss of control will make you feel vulnerable and lost. Combat that sense of aimlessness by planning, early, for what comes next. Remember there are many paths in life, new and unexpected ways to find meaning and value. Be gentle with yourself. Don't be surprised if people in your life don't understand what you're going through. Their well-meaning but often ignorant comments can be hurtful at best and torturous at worst. Don't bottle up the emotions. Find an outlet through writing or counseling or exercise. You'll have to find an inner strength. After: Take the time to grieve. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected. The only way to get through grief is to experience it, immerse yourself in it. You're going to have to hurt before you can heal. The healing is non-linear. There will be good and bad days. Infertility is not something you get over. You come to terms with it. Reminders of what might have been will remain, but the pain will, in time, subside. Peace and joy will return to your life. You now possess a level of compassion that will serve you well for the rest of your life. You will find you're stronger than you ever thought possible. Your transformation will provide a means for a rebirth. Seize the opportunity to apply all you've learned. Multiply the value of what you learned by sharing it with others.