Myth #1: Pregnancy and parenting resolves infertility.
Busted:
Had you attended my baby shower, witnessing my round belly
and mile-wide smile, surrounded by blue streamers, or had you
been at the hospital when my son was born healthy and pink and
screaming, I appeared as any expectant or new mother would
have. I talked about nursery patterns and breast pumps and
pregnancy symptoms as if it were second nature, as if it were just
something that happens for everyone, but I had a secret. I knew
it didn't happen for everyone, and I knew that well. That belly of
mine was hard-won. After many years of trying to conceive and
undergoing fertility treatment, I can thankfully say that my dream
of becoming a mother has been realized as I am the parent of a
beautiful toddler boy via IVF. Yes, from the outside looking in,
my infertility appears fully resolved, doesn't it? I won the prize,
my backyard is littered with toys and the family Christmas card is
complete with a kid. But, I ask you to look more closely, for the
fight for that prize has altered me in ways I will never be able to
describe.
Infertility was never an isolated event in my life, I know that
now. It was with me all that time, well beyond the first positive
pregnancy test, through my entire pregnancy. It was with me when
I sat shaking before every obstetrician's appointment, wondering if
that heartbeat might prove elusive. It was with me contemplating
how to return an already assembled crib or how to bring myself
to put another needle into my abdomen if my hard-won dream
suddenly slipped away again. It was with me as I pretended to
complain about morning sickness, but secretly delighted in it,
knowing it likely meant he might actually stay. And it is with me
today knowing that my son may never have a sibling.
Infertility is a thief for if you are lucky enough to finally be with
child, it is with a trepidation that leaves you at first whispering
your good news rather than shouting it from the rooftops as you
might have done years before it trampled your heart, leaving the
pregnancy journal empty for fear of jinxing your immense fortune.
As I walked around with my full belly, growing with life, I would
find isolated moments when I would feel like a fraud, as if I had
tricked the general public into thinking that I was like any other.
But I wasn't. And quite frankly, I still don't feel that I am.
You see, infertility taught me to expect the fall because after
months and years of tests and doctors visits and hormones and
needles and even after all that, "I'm sorry, you're not pregnant",
and living in a medical existence as a patient and not just expecting
the bottom to fall out, but actually seeing it happen time and time
again, infertility has become an echo that has colored everything.
I know intellectually that being infertile was never a reflection
of who I am or what I deserve, but it still shook the core of how
I feel about my body, my femininity, myself, beyond conception
and pregnancy. When I was overdue with my son and eventually
induced, I silently blamed this on my body being 'too stupid' to
know what to do. When I struggled to breastfeed and after many,
many lactation consultants eventually had to plead defeat and
go the way of formula, it felt like another cruel blow made by
infertility. It was the failure of my body to do what should have
been innate, what every other woman around me seemed to be
doing with ease. And now, after almost a year-and-a-half after
my son's birth, our savings have been depleted and I am faced
with a small slice of time during which assisted reproduction will
work. But because of money, I may not get the chance to add to
my family again. My choices are depleting with every day that
passes. I still resent the control it has over my life. Infertility never
seems to leave my doorstep.
Even participating in something as benign as a Mother's group, I
look around and wonder, are you one of us? Have you been in the
trenches I know so well? Do any of you know the sting of failure
month-after-month? The burn of a one-inch needle in your flesh
driven by your husband night-after-night? Do any of you still
cringe inside when you hear pregnancy announcements, even after
having your own child? My questions are often answered quickly
as talk of having a second or a third is passed around haphazardly,
and I know that someone even close to my shoes wouldn't discuss
it in this way. I still search for my IF sisters, knowing that at the
end of the day, only they will not be driven away by my innermost
thoughts, the wounds that still lay open.
But for all the bad it has given me, infertility has matched it
with good. I know it seems unlikely with everything I mentioned
above, but I have found surprising resources inside myself I
otherwise would have never been aware of: resilience, persistence,
empathy, sisterhood, gratitude. A chance to know what I was
capable of. A chance to stand beside others and fight. A chance to
experience a feeling beyond grateful, beyond blessed. Infertility
has literally changed the lens of how I see the world, for better, for
worse. For both. And well beyond conception and parenthood.
Make no mistake. Even after claiming my 'prize', infertility is
something that will always be a part of who I am, in my heart, in
every breath I take, and when I hold my child, no matter how far
I "appear" to walk away from it.
Written: by Christina from California
Myth #2: Infertile people are unaware of the stresses of parenting. Or, offer your infertile friend YOUR baby. It will make her feel better.
Busted:
Recently, we spent a day with my husband's family. There are two new babies in the family since we saw everyone last while we continue to struggle with infertility. I fought hard on going to visit everyone because I knew it would hurt to be around new babies, but at my mother-in-law's insistence, I had to give in.
Within seconds of walking in the door, I found the 8 month old in my arms, playing happily with my necklace. I smiled as politely as possible, trying to numb myself to the feel of having a baby that I’ll never have in my arms, while everyone looked on with baited breath. “Look, she’s holding a baby. Let’s see if this cheers her up.” I looked around desperately for my husband and saw him across the room, sitting in a chair holding the tiny 7 week old baby in his big arms. My in-laws smiled to see this and snapped dozens of pictures, as if they needed to record the moment my husband got to hold a newborn baby, since they won’t have pictures of him holding his own some day.
Of course I smiled and enjoyed my beautiful niece for as long as I could take it, then handed her off to the closest person, and ran to the garage to let the tears fall. I know no one meant to hurt me, but I felt instant anger over the situation - why did everyone want to sit around and watch the infertiles hold the babies?
For a full day I tried to avoid both babies for fear of another breakdown, but my husband was handed the infant repeatedly. My heart has never ached more than watching him coo at a sweet newborn baby and know I can never give him that gift. I spent a lot of time alone in the garage that day.
As an infertile woman still struggling with never seeing a positive pregnancy test, a first ultrasound photo, my child the day he/she is born, I feel like screaming at the world that holding someone else’s baby does not ease my pain. It only serves as a reminder that I can hold a baby for the moment, but I might never take one home with me that I can hold onto forever. It only brings up feelings of anger and jealousy. It only makes me question why I can take care of my body so well and others who don’t can achieve the miracle of conception and childbirth. I avoid pregnant women and new mothers like the plague because I can't bear to hear stories of pregnancy symptoms or what their baby did that day. It doesn't help to know that childbirth hurts or babies drool a lot because I would (and have) sacrificed a lot for the chance to gladly suffer miserable pain or be drenched in slobber. Being constantly reminded of the joys and trials of motherhood by others does not ease the pain of being an infertile woman. It reminds me that I'm a failure.
Written by: Rachel from Texas
What RESOLVE has to say about "Infertility Etiquette":
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
- They will eventually conceive a baby.
- They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
- They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
This
article comes directly from RESOLVE, The National Infertility Association.
Learn more about Infertility, treatments, and insurance coverage at Resolve's website:
