September's Book Selection: Sarah's Key by Tatiana de Rosnay

And the winner is:

As usual, our votes were VERY close.  Thank you for hanging in there for an extra day and participating in our tie breaker.  Here are the results although as you can see, we were really close to tying again.  :o)

The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton 15 votes (32%)

One Day by David Nicholls                 13 votes (28%)

Sarah's Key by Tatiana de Rosnay         19 votes (40%)

Grab your copy and start the discussions with us starting about a week from now on September 7th.  :o)  Our book selection is now available in our store.  If you will be purchasing your book online anyway and would like to support the LiWBC, buy it through our store. 

Publisher's Weekly Book Review

De Rosnay's U.S. debut fictionalizes the 1942 Paris roundups and deportations, in which thousands of Jewish families were arrested, held at the Vélodrome d'Hiver outside the city, then transported to Auschwitz. Forty-five-year-old Julia Jarmond, American by birth, moved to Paris when she was 20 and is married to the arrogant, unfaithful Bertrand Tézac, with whom she has an 11-year-old daughter. Julia writes for an American magazine and her editor assigns her to cover the 60th anniversary of the Vél' d'Hiv' roundups. Julia soon learns that the apartment she and Bertrand plan to move into was acquired by Bertrand's family when its Jewish occupants were dispossessed and deported 60 years before. She resolves to find out what happened to the former occupants: Wladyslaw and Rywka Starzynski, parents of 10-year-old Sarah and four-year-old Michel. The more Julia discovers—especially about Sarah, the only member of the Starzynski family to survive—the more she uncovers about Bertrand's family, about France and, finally, herself. Already translated into 15 languages, the novel is De Rosnay's 10th (but her first written in English, her first language). It beautifully conveys Julia's conflicting loyalties, and makes Sarah's trials so riveting, her innocence so absorbing, that the book is hard to put down.

Grab your copy today!  We look forward to reading with you.  :o)

Book Review: Infertility Journeys by Lesley Vance

A Review of Infertility Journeys: Finding Your Happy Ending by Lesley Vance

Reviewed and written by Julie Coombs and Heather Chomyn

Published by: Duck Hill Press, 2011

# of pages: 174

Review by Julie Coombs

Technical Review

What are the main topics presented in the book? 

The book covers a wide range of infertility; the author experienced primary infertility, but stories are shared of other people who went through secondary infertility, as well as miscarriages, and every treatment possible.

What is the book's format? 

The book is mostly informal, and is mostly memoir, but technical information is shared, including details of procedures and others' stories are shared.

How is the book organized?  

The book is organized by chapters, with smaller sections within each chapter.  It is very easy to read a small bit at a time.

Writing style (humor, factual, etc.)?  

Some humor, but mostly straightforward.

What is the author’s experience on the subject? 

The author is a woman who dealt with infertility and miscarriage.

Does the author have a certain point of view or opinion?  

Her main point throughout the book is that you can ultimately be happy no matter what you choose to do in dealing with infertility (childfree, adoption, surrogacy, donor eggs/sperm) as long as you realize that you do have a choice.

What is the book's conclusion/closing statement?  

The author is currently living childfree, but because many different stories are presented, all possible "happy endings" are covered, helping people realize that no matter what they end up choosing, they can be happy.

Personal Review

Who would you suggest this book to?  

I would suggest this book to anyone who is dealing with infertility and struggling with all the options available to them.

How did the book affect you?  

I could completely relate to the emotions in certain passages because I had been through it before, and I liked that the author never implied that one treatment or choice was better than another.  She really just seems to want people to know what their options are and to realize that you do have a choice in what you pursue and how long you pursue it, and if you realize that you have the power to choose, it helps you feel some control of the situation.

Is there anything you wish the author(s) had elaborated on?  

Dealing with people who have no issue with fertility, and being around those who do have children when you do not.

Rate this book on a scale of 1-5 stars.  Why do you think it deserves this rating? 

5 stars.  The author writes in language that is easy to understand, even when describing medical procedures, and the organization of the book makes it easy to read small bits at a time.  This is crucial to those going through infertility because sometimes you can only read a little before your emotions are out of control.  It seemed that every possible choice was covered, and I love that childfree living was an option.  So often that choice is ignored and adoption or donor eggs/sperm is pushed.  But overall, I love the message that even when feeling like things are out of your control because of infertility, you do still have a choice in how you deal with it and treat it.  Having that choice gives some control back to you, and making a choice that you can live with will lead to happiness.

Review by Heather Chomyn


The book, Infertility Journeys: Finding Your Happy Ending by Lesley Vance is a wonderful book for
those first entering the infertility arena. It is written in the manner of a knowledgeable friend giving
advice to those just entering the journey. Vance provides first-hand accounts of her own struggles
with IF along with accounts of others who have had similar IF struggles. Vance also includes her
husband’s take on their journey through infertility which helps shed light on a spouse’s feelings
during the ups and downs of IF.

The book is broken up to help the reader work through all options from the moment you learn you
are having trouble conceiving to making the right decision for your family. Ms. Vance does this so
caringly in both an anecdotal and educational way and all aspects of family building are covered
including homeopathic, ART, adoption and living childfree.

While reading this book, it brought back many memories of my own struggles with infertility, and
at times, when I was reading the book, I would cry because I would remember what I felt like when
similar situations occurred with me. I do have to say, that if you’re a person who has struggled with
infertility for a long time, most of the information is very familiar, however, I’m not denying its value.
Even I, whom I consider a “seasoned veteran”, did feel comforted knowing that I was not alone in my
thoughts and that I was “normal” in my thinking. I also really appreciated the chapter “For Men Only”
because it made me change focus on my own grief, and realize that my husband is dealing with his own grief
as well.

I would recommend this book to those first learning of their infertility as this book does speak
in “normal speak”, medical terms are easily defined and Vance includes a glossary in the back of the
book to define the terms used for diagnosing and treating infertility. I would also recommend this
book for family members of infertiles, as this book really does describe the emotional ups and downs of
our journey to find our happy ending.


Special thank you to Lesley Vance for donating a copy of her book to us and to our reviewers.  And a special thanks to Julie Coombs and  Heather Chomyn for their great reviews.

If any readers out there have read this book before and have other thoughts, we'd love to hear from you.  What did you think of the book?

Secret Sisters Project FAQ

Have you signed up for our Secret Sisters Project yet?  To read more about the project and to sign up, click here: Secret Sisters Info and Sign Up

Here are some questions that you might have, already answered for you.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: How should I get started? 

A: To get started, we suggest you go ahead and contact your Secret Sister via email, introduce yourself, and offer your first words of encouragement and thoughts.

Q: Are there any specific instructions I need to follow when emailing my Secret Sister? 

A: When contacting your Sister by email, we suggest that you put something about "Secret Sister" in the subject line, so they will know to open the message from you. (For example..."A message from your Secret Sister!") On the recipient end, you also might want to check your junk mail folders more regularly, to look for this message.

Q: How many times am I supposed to connect with my Sister? 

A: Your commitment is to contact your Sister at least 3 times during the month of September - simply offering friendship, encouragement, and support. We ask that at least one of these contacts will be through postal mail, where you send some small physical token to inspire your Sister. If for any reason you are not able to keep this commitment, please contact Kim at mrs kimb erly nel son @ gmail .com as soon as possible, so that we can assign your Sister to someone else. 

Q: My Sister’s address is incomplete or unclear. 

A: If you have questions about your Sister's mailing address, please send an email, asking to clarify. If the email address you received for your Sister is not working, please contact Kim for help. 

Q: I'm not sure what I should send my Sister.  Do you have any suggestions? 

A: Yes! You can take a look at our list of suggestions on our Sign Up page.  Remember that these suggestions are just starting points, so please feel free to come up with your own new ideas, as well.

Q: I have a question that is not answered here. 

A: If you have any questions, please contact Kim at mrs kim ber lynel son @ gmail .com.

Infertility Friends Project: The Traveling Scarf

Back in April of 2011, A group of 4 of us ladies discovered we all had a love of yarn work in common. We thought to ourselves: Let's do a project together! After a bit of brainstorming, we came up with the Traveling Scarf project. We each wanted a scarf in the end, so what we agreed on was that we'd each start our own, it would get mailed all over the country to everyone else, and we would get it finally back to finish the last section again.

The "rules" were simple:

• We each begin our scarf, and journal.
• Make note of width, needle size, colors, fiber preferences, and any fiber allergies. 
• Pomegranate is the main colorway and complimentary colors such as navy, green, natural. 
• We can all make something matchy and typically "beautiful" on our own. This will be like the "scarf of many colors." Crazy and funky is good. 
• If you are the fourth person, knit 24" and then return in reverse order. 

Surprisingly, it only took about 4 months for us all to get our scarves back again. We're already contemplating the next project. One of, if not THE favorite part of the entire project for me was the journal. Each person wrote a page or twenty to the owner of the journal. Subjects ranged from treatments and lovely thoughts of the person to random observations... okay, I was very guilty of the random observations! :) We colored in the journals, added stickers, samples of the yarn from the scarf, sketched patterns we used, and used them as another outlet for creativity. We added recipes, talked of our own hopes. In each entry, you feel a sense of warmth and love and having a super soft scarf in your lap while you read is one of the most rewarding moments of this project for me.

The llamas in the background are my mother's.
If you look closely, you can see their own "scarves" left draped on the tree.

As you can see, the scarves have fairly clear "sections" where you can see each knitter or chrocheter's personality. Kim liked cables and soft, unique yarn. Julie liked lush yarn with lots of color variation. Rachel's sections were all crochet and very colorful. Steph (me) liked to work with finer yarn and do lacy or intricate patterns. No two sections were the same for any scarf. I don't know if that was planned, but it really speaks to all our personalities. For our two non-knitters, we also secretly (wink) made some scarves. One of the two shown in the pictures is for our lovely Nancy. :) It should be on her way soon. Another is for April who should have hers by now. I'm looking forward to another project some time soon.

Book Selection: The ONE Day September Tie Breaker!

Okay, so I hate changing the rules when time isn't up yet... but.

It seems as though there are a few very clear favorites from our list of suggestions.  Three book in fact are leading the pack with almost the same amount of votes.  In order to ensure that we select the one that most of us truly want to read, please select one final choice from the choices below.  Voting ends at 11:59pm on Tuesday, September 30th.  Sorry for the delay... the votes were just too close!

Join our Secret Sister Project for September!

One of the  greatest element of being a part of the infertility community is the way we help and support each other.  The friendships and relationships I have developed as a part of my journey are precious and have helped me through the easy times and the difficult times.  The LiWBC was borne out the need for women in this community to have a safe place to socialize, offer encouragement, and have fun together.

At the LiWBC, we’d like to try a little project with you.  We’ll call it the “Secret Sister” Project and has been developed to bring you some one on one support.

When you sign up to be a "Secret Sister", you become a contact and support for someone for the month of September.  You will be asked to send messages of comfort and encouragement to your new sister and will receive the same serendipitous support from someone else.  It’s free to participate and a fun way to spend the month.  Please check below for details to see if this is a project you’d like to join.

Here’s how it works:

1. To participate in the Secret Sister Project, simply fill out the form below.  We’ll accept sign ups through the end of Saturday, September 3rd.
2. By September 5th, you will receive an email with information about your new “Secret Sister”: her name, email, mailing address, and some additional information about her journey.
3. Your commitment is to contact your Sister at least THREE times during the month of September to simply offer encouragement or  positive thought.  You will also receive three messages from a Sister assigned to you!
4. We ask that at least one of the contacts through postal mail, where you send some small physical token to your Sister.  This could be something like a handwritten note, a meaningful quote, a card that you've made, a piece of handmade art, a store bought token, or any other small project that is easy to carry out.  The idea is simply to give your sister something physical in her hand for encouragement.
5. For your other two messages, you can feel free to email or use postal mail if that is your preference. When you contact your Sister, you might send a quick note of encouragement, a quote, links to a webpage or video that you enjoy or anything else you feel is appropriate.

Remember all three contacts must be made during the month of September. Please only sign up if you are willing and able to keep this commitment to your Secret Sister! 

There's no cost, other than your postage to mail a letter or gift to your assigned Sister.  So it's completely free to participate, and is simply a fun way to start the month with positive, reassuring energy.

If you have any questions, please contact feel free to leave them here on our blog.  They will be answered quickly.  More details will also be posted throughout the week.

The sign up period is now closed as of 9/5.  We hope you'll join us next time!

Book Review: I'm Taking My Eggs and Going Home by Lisa Manterfield

A Review of I'm Taking My Eggs and Going Home: How One Woman Dared to Say No to Motherhood by Lisa Manterfield

Reviewed and written by Brenda Thornlow

Published by: Steel Rose Press, 2010

# of pages: 212

Technical Review

What are the main topics presented in the book? 

• Infertility, living childfree

What is the book's format? 

• Memoir

How is the book organized? 

• Chronological order: The author discusses her life before meeting her second husband with whom she desires to have a child with and up to the point in her life when she decides that she needs to stop trying to have a child.

Writing style (humor, factual, etc.)? 

• Combination of humor and fact.

What is the author’s experience on the subject? 

• Dealing with trying to conceive the old fashion way then trying other fertility options such as doctors, acupuncture and natural remedies.

Does the author have a certain point of view or opinion? 

• Although she thought long and hard about fertility treatments such as IVF, she preferred trying natural remedies.

What is the book's conclusion/closing statement? 

• Author chooses to live childfree.

Personal Review

I would absolutely recommend this book to anyone struggling with the heartbreak of infertility as well as people who have friends or family that are struggling. Lisa Manterfield shares, in great detail, the roller coaster of emotions she experienced throughout the years she tried to conceive. As a woman going through this myself, I was completely able to relate with what she was feeling; from the heartbreak of discovering you are not pregnant (especially when your period is late and your hopes are dashed) to the anger and jealousy you feel when others around you who are getting pregnant with no problem and at times without even planning. What many people don't understand is the emotional, mental, physical and financial toll infertility has on couples and Lisa Manterfield, very candidly, dives into these subjects. Only someone who has experienced infertility themselves can describe these feelings and situations so accurately. This book confirmed to me that my husband and I are not the only couple dealing with the nightmare of infertility and what I am going through as a woman is not unusual and I am not "crazy" or "less of a woman." I would unboubtedly give this book 5 stars!

A special thank you to the author, Lisa Manterfield, for donating her book and to Brenda Thornlow for her review.

If any readers out there have read this book before and have other thoughts, we'd love to hear from you.  What did you think of the book?

Supporting Your Fellow Infertiles

Sweet cards and gifts from my friends :-)

We all know it can be hard for our non-IF friends to relate sometimes.  They may mean well, but sometimes they truly can not understand where we're coming from and they may not be the support we need.  Only a fellow infertile can really feel our heartbreak, frustration, anger, grief, and denial. 

Kim, our lovely editor-in-chief, created this community as a way for IF-ers to meet and discuss books, crafts, recipes, hobbies; but also as a way for all of us to be a support to each other.  In the last 6 months I know many of us have made lasting friendships here.  I count the 4 other editors as some of my dearest friends.  We are all a constant support to each other.  Not a day goes by that we don't reach out and virtually hug one of us who is struggling that day.  The girls here have been such a blessing in my life and I am so thankful I had the oppurtunity to meet them like this (look for our post about our first physical gathering in September!  We all can't wait!!). 

When one of us has a failed treatment or an unfortunate setback, the others are there to offer support and be a shoulder to cry on.  Distance doesn't matter as we all live hours and thousands of miles away from each other.  A text, a phone call, a fun token gift in the mail shows we care. 

The picture above shows real cards and gifts from my IF friends.  The two cards on the right were birthday cards from Stephanie and April.  The post card is from Kim's recent trip to Canada.  I actually had too many cards and fun gifts to fit into the picture!!  There are so many days I come home tired, depressed, not sure how I will make it another day....and there's a little note in the mailbox from a friend.  So many times this has cheered me up and kept me going another day. 

We email each other every day and vent about people in our lives, discuss treatments and game plans for the future....or even laugh over a fictional world where we all meet in jail and battle with our zombie guards...(is that too much?)  ;-)  We cry together and we are silly together.  But we are always there for each other. 

September Book Selection Survey - Now Open!

Here is our September Book Selection Survey.  This time, we are limiting book selections to THREE choices.  This should help us narrow down our favorites more accurately.

Survey closes at 11:59 PM EST on Monday, August, 29th.  September's book selection will be announced Tuesday morning.  Happy voting!

Printable Fertility Affirmation Cards

I recently found these free Fertility Affirmation cards and thought I'd share.  :o)  These affirmation cards were made by our friends at Circle+Bloom and are available for a free download.

Download these free printable cards here:  

• Printable Fertility Affirmation Cards

When I printed mine, I printed them in portrait layout which made the cards really tiny.  But if you print them in landscape format, your cards will be bigger.

To make them a little more substantial than just flimsy printer paper, I glued them to scrapbook paper using spray adhesive and then cut them out.  I even found some "LiWBC" style scrapbook paper at Hobby Lobby (the pink stripes from our background).  :o)  Just spray the back of your card sheet and stick it to the backside of your scrapbook paper, wait for them to dry, and cut them out.  Keep them in a little dish or bucket and pick one out when you need a little inspiration. 

My personal favorite of all the cards: 

I love my body just as it is.  <-- I need this one.  :o)

Materials: Printable cards, scrapbook paper, glue.

Enjoy!  And thank you to Circle+Bloom for making these available.

Book Review: The Fertile Female by Julia Indichova

A Book Review of The Fertile Female by Julia Indichova.
Read and reviewed by Jennifer Steinheimer

Published April 1st 2007 by Adell Press
# of pages: 259

This is the second book by Julia Indichova.  The Fertile Female covers the author’s journey while trying to conceive her second child. There are also stories of women she has worked with in her workshops.  Her methods focus on taking control of your own fertility and designing a plan that’s best for you. The book is filled with meditation exercises that are meant to help you deal with emotional issues that are keeping you from conceiving.  The book also has nutritional and lifestyle information that can help with fertility as well as a generally healthier lifestyle. The following is a brief synopsis of the books from Goodreads:

Written by an author whose expertise grew from an extensive counseling practice as well as personal experience. The Fertile Female offers a hope-filled view of reproductive difficulties, with a deeper understanding of the often-confusing messages of mind-body and alternative medicine. With an engaging mix of passion and humor the book initiates a public debate on the politics of infertility and its effect on our health care system. Includes practice exercises and a section on dietary recommendations, complete with recipes.

I spent an entire month reading and working through the meditation, imagery, and dream analysis exercises. I also tried different parts of the nutritional recommendations although not nearly all the suggestions in the book. I learned a lot about how to remember and learn from my dreams although, for me personally, my dreams tended to be my subconscious working out day to day stress. Reading and trying the imagery exercises was interesting but I probably would have benefitted from the CD that can be purchased to guide me through my exercises. I definitely agree that each person’s journey is unique and we each have to find our own paths and create the best plan for us. I have read many success stories from those who have read this book and participated in Julia’s workshops and would also recommend this book for anyone living with infertility.

Infertility: Resources for Family and Friends

Below are some resources for Family and Friends of those struggling with Infertility.  They are all found on the RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association's website along with many other resources.

• Coping with Infertility Article:  This is one of the most helpful articles I’ve been able to find for family in friends.  The article goes on to explain that if family and friends could understand the magnitude of loss experienced by those with infertility, they would have new insight into the motivations and behavior of their loved ones.  Even more powerful, this article describes the eight kinds of losses researchers have identified which can lead to depression in the average man or woman.  Infertility involves ALL eight of these losses: loss of self esteem, status, important relationships, health or an acceptable body image, control, security, important fantasies and someone or something of symbolic value.
• Infertility Etiquette:  This article explains the “dos” and mostly “don’ts” of infertility etiquette.  Many well meaning friends and family often say the same wrong things.  This article explains some common myths and a lot of “what not to say” items.
• Infertility Myths and Facts:  Many of us go through life believing certain myths because they are such commonly held beliefs.  When it comes to infertility, there are a myriad of myths that infertile patients hear repeated constantly.  This article educates on some of the most common myths.  As an example, we often hear people say “Adopt and you’ll get pregnant!”.  I heard this one last week from a very well meaning and otherwise sensitive friend.  Studies show that there is zero increase in fertility for those who adopt.
• When Infertility Strikes:  This is an excellent article on how infertility effects family dynamics as a whole.  The article explains ways in which a family’s relationships may be threatened or strengthened based on the type of communication that is fostered.

Advice for Family and Friends: Adoption

As someone coming out of the trying to conceive years and moving on to the adoption process, there are a few things I've realized that I wish family and friends knew and understood about us as we go through this. 

1. Treat us like an expectant couple.  I like to think of myself as "pregnant" (with the quote marks...I'm not delusional!).  I don't have a growing belly or morning sickness to prove it, but I do have a rapidly diminishing checking account and a long trail of papers to prove that I have a baby on the way.  Our baby has been conceived in our hearts and now we wait a very long time to meet him/her, just like a pregnant couple.  But consider that most couples will wait 9 months to meet their baby; we'll be waiting at least twice that.  It's exhausting and a lot of days I come home with a headache or knot in my stomach from the stress of the whole ordeal.  (I met a woman a few months ago who said she put on her "baby weight" with each adopted child.  She was so nervous the whole waiting period that she ate too much and had to lose some weight after the baby came home.)

   No life is growing inside me, but I am still on my way to becoming a mother.  I want to be treated like the expectant mother I am.  Just as pregnant couples are doted upon, we don't want to miss out on that exciting phase of life.  Ask us if we have names picked out or if the baby's room is decorated yet; ask how we're feeling.  Most days at work, coworkers walk right past me to go talk to the pregnant girl in the next cubicle about how she's doing.  I always wonder why no one asks me.  On the very rare occassions that someone does stop at my desk to ask, it touches me deeply and really helps me pull through a day without feeling down. 

2. Educate yourself.  I don't mind being asked questions about adoption if I know they are well-intentioned.  I know people are genuinely curious about how it all works.  I certainly feel it's important that people understand the process so they can be an advocate for the adoption community.  I haven't met many adoptive families who don't like to answer questions.  If my parents hadn't asked questions of an adoptive family they knew over 12 years ago, they wouldn't have been led to adopt my sisters and I probably wouldn't be adopting now.

   The only word of caution is not to approach an adopting couple with overbearing opinions or too-personal questions.  Ex: don't say, "Don't you know there are children here in American that need to be adopted...?" or "what if your baby grows up to be angry with you for taking him from his birth family..." 

3. Just be supportive.  This process is very long and arduous.  Some days we move forward and some days are a setback.  Through every step of the way, it really helps to just know that you are there with a kind word of encouragement or just a simple pat on the back.  Listen when we complain about our social worker or how long the process is taking.  Just make sure we know you care and that you are anxiously awaiting our baby's arrival as we are.

A Family Member's Perspective

Article written by Kerry Fichthorn.

I would like to start by saying that this is not intended to be an advice for family and friends article.  Although more advice and support for family and friends is desperately needed.  This is a few words on my experience in walking down this road with my sister.

Now let me introduce myself.  Hi, I am someone's little sister.  I have a big sister struggling with infertility.  Let me tell you a little about my sister.  She's wonderful, she's funny, I love being around her.  We grew up just us girls, our father passed away in 1990 so it has been my mother, my sister, and I for as long as I can remember.  We have gone on vacations together, been shopping together, played hooky from school together.  When she lived close by, we would meet at Panera Bread and she would teach me how to knit for hours over coffee.  I try to be like her in every way I can because of the kind of person she is.  In my opinion, if anyone in this world is built to be a parent, who is supposed to be a parent, who NEEDS to be a parent, it's my sister.

Hearing about my sister's struggles felt like a punch in the stomach.  It's just like hearing your loved one has been diagnosed with a terrible disease.  Because that's exactly what it is.  Infertility is a disease.  There is a terrible helplessness in watching someone you love and look up to go through this.  Many times I've caught myself conversing with my Higher Power saying, "Please stop doing this to my sister.  Cut her a break."  Family members go through a myriad of emotions from anger to helplessness to denial.  The worst is helplessness, not being able to do anything to change the situation.

A couple of months ago, my sister started the very difficult and expensive journey of IVF.  "This is it," I thought.  "This has to work, there's no reason it shouldn't work.  She's done her research, she's done her prep work and chosen the best facility.  It'll work!"  A few weeks later, I receive the news.  What do you mean, "Not pregnant"?  How can that happen?  I was floored.  I was sure this would be it.  Now what?  In an instant, hope went from being my friend to being my frenemy.

There is very little advice for family and friends in dealing with infertility in general, but there's even less when it comes to what to do after something as specific as a failed IVF.  What am I supposed to say?  What do I do?  Do I let her come to me?  Do I try to distract her by talking about something else?  Do I bring it up?  Do I cry with her or do I act strong?  

I'm still not sure if I did the right thing in handling that situation, but I did the only thing I could think of.  I went to someone in the IF community that I knew was a very good friend of my sister.  I asked her what to do.  I didn't want to be one of those jerks who said something stupid in ignorance and made the situation even worse.  I will share with you what this person told me, "I think that reaching out and calling her would be a very good thing. Just tell her how much you are hurting for her and let her know you care. One of the most difficult things is to feel forgotten. Or knowing that people are scared to talk to you or make eye contact or just contact. I know my husband's family is terrified and they just ignore what I am going through. Or if it comes up, they just try to put it to rest with a little remark and then refuse to discuss it further. I think just letting her know how much you love her and care and that you are there for her is enough."

Boy did she hit the nail on the head!  I never forgot about her but I was and sometimes still am scared to talk to her or even contact her.  Ouch.  I would say one of my biggest struggles is not knowing what to say.  I've read a lot of ignorant and insensitive comments on various blogs and news articles.  Granted, a lot of these comments are made out of nastiness, but a lot of them are from just not knowing what's not okay to say.  So the good news is I'm becoming more aware.  Bad news is now I'm scared to say anything at all out of fear I will say something wrong.  Rather than avoid your loved one, ask for advice from someone in the IF community.  

At the end of the day, she is my sister.  I should never be scared of talking to her and I should never hesitate to say, "Hey, this sucks.  I'm here if you want to talk."

Pregnancy by Definition

Pregnancy is to fertility something that we all dream of whether it is a limited reality or one we know that we will never achieve. We still can dream, right? Sometimes, we have given up that dream either because pregnancy will never happen due to medical issues or we end up living child-free not by choice... or we choose to grow our family through adoption. Often, potential parents going through the adoption process get left out of all the extra attention and fun that pregnancy receives and this can be, ohhhhh, so difficult.

Recently, a dear friend who is going through the adoption process confided how sad she felt at times as she waits her even longer than 9 month wait (nearly 2 years from the time the baby is matched to the family) and as she proclaimed, "Aren't I pregnant as I wait?"And it it got me to thinking. I looked up the definition of "pregnant."

According to Merriam Webster's Dictionary,

preg·nant

 adj \ˈpreg-nənt\

Definition of PREGNANT

1

archaic : cogent

2

: abounding in fancy, wit, or resourcefulness : inventive <all this has been said … by great and pregnant artists — Times Literary Supplement>

3

: rich in significance or implication <the pregnant phrases of the Bible — Edmund Wilson> <a pregnant pause>

4

: containing a developing embryo, fetus, or unborn offspring within the body : gravid

5

: having possibilities of development or consequence :involving important issues : momentous <draw inspiration from the heroic achievements of that pregnant age — Kemp Malone>

6

obsolete : inclined, disposed <your own most pregnant and vouchsafed ear — Shakespeare>

7

: full, teeming

The definitions #5 and #2 apply to my dear friend. WIth #5, she is awaiting a momentous occasion and that will develop into the adoption and subsequent bringing home of her baby in the future. And with #2, well, if you knew this delightfully spunky and witty fireball of a young lady, you would agree that she does indeed abound in fancy, wit, or resourcefulness! So, YES, my sweet friend is indeed "pregnant."

And so are you, as you wait hoping, wishing, and dreaming for your baby or child. It doesn't matter how you are going about obtaining that baby, what truly matters is you are in a state of "having possibilities of development or consequence" that have momentous implications.

September Book Suggestions- Due August 25th!

We've had a fun time changing things up for the summer here at LiWBC!  In June we each picked a steamy romance novel.  July we each chose a head-scratching mystery.  And in August, we're all reading and reviewing infertility-related books! 

Now as we move into some hopefully cooler temperatures (not here in Texas!) in September, we are going back to the original format.  Starting today we will be taking non-infertility-related book suggestions for the book club to read and discuss during September. 

Please leave a book suggestion in the comments below.  It can be a book you've already read and loved, or just one you've been dying to read!  On August 25th, all suggestions will be gathered up and posted in the form of a survey for the next day!

We hope you join us in September! :-)

ICLW - August International Comment Leaving Week

Hello everyone!

This is our seventh month on the IComLeavWe List and we are so excited that we'll be getting new visitors to our site and book club.

New to the Ladies in Waiting Book Club?

I recommend visiting our About Us page.  There, you'll be able to read a little more about our book club and the editors who make it work.  The LiWBC is made possible by the dedicated efforts of each of our editors as well as special guest writers from the infertility community.

How does it work?

• Usually: Books are suggested and voted on at the end of each month.  A final selection is chosen through an online survey.  Book suggestions this month begin Monday, August 22nd, so check back to suggest a book you'd like to read!
• Pick up the book at your local library, bookshop, or through our online book store (sold through Amazon) and read along with us.
• Participate in contests, discussions, and read all of the recipes, crafts, and articles to accompany you through your reading.
• Have fun and meet new friends!

How do I join?

There are many ways to receive daily updates and keep up with the Ladies in Waiting Book Club:

• Receive daily email updates (highly recommended: sign up in the upper left hand corner of our site)
• "Like" us on Facebook (highly recommended: get our news in your regular feed)
• Join us on Goodreads
• Follow us on Twitter
• Subscribe to our RSS feed
• Connect with us on Google Friends
• At the beginning of each month, join our Roll Call list so we can get to know you better!

Thank you for visiting The Ladies in Waiting Book Club.  We look forward to meeting you and getting to know you better!

Kim, Editor

Moving On: Infertility and the Weight of Hope

A special thank you to Stephanie S. for finding this article and sharing it.  And a very special thank you to Kylie Hughes for allowing us to repost.  Find the original post at Conceivery.com.

This morning I read an entry on an infertility discussion board by a woman with the pseudonym ‘Hopeful’.  Her post was titled ‘Snowballing depression & anger—how do you cope?’.  She talked about trying to conceive for 18 months, having a miscarriage, being fired from her job, fighting with her husband, resentment about wasted years spent with her ex-boyfriend and rising jealousy that everyone else seemed to be getting pregnant. She wrote “… I am feeling major anger, guilt, jealousy, resentment. I am falling into a hole of depression and anger and I am really afraid if this [IUI] cycle fails I won’t recover … How do you cope when things get bad?”

I’ve given a lot of thought to the concept of hope when it comes to my own conceivery journey. Hope is what inspires us to plan the future; it gives us something to look forward to, it can motivate us to take action, it can help us to stay positive through dark hours. But hope can also be interminably frustrating—sometimes even debilitating—especially when our hopes fail to materialize over and over again despite our best efforts.

When I recently met a woman who tried to conceive for eight years before finally falling pregnant, I was overwhelmed just thinking about the weight of hope she must have carried. They say that a watched pot never boils and I can testify that the two-week wait after ovulation bends the time continuum.  It’s slower than watching paint dry and more tedious than test match cricket.  A woman who’s tried to conceive for eight years has experienced 96 two-week waits; 1,344 days of hoping that her dreams will come true and that she’ll be able to get on with the rest of her life.

Hope is also a reason why many couples suffer infertility in silence. When we share our hopes, we share the soft, vulnerable parts of ourselves.  It’s safer and easier to try and fail in secret, even if it means cutting ourselves off from our support networks.  Since my miscarriage, I’ve asked my mum to stop inquiring about how my infertility treatment is progressing. I appreciate her concern and support and I don’t mean to distance her, but I can’t carry her hope in addition to my own. The load is too heavy and the responsibility is too great.

Dealing with the ups and downs of infertility has been an evolving process for me.  My biggest breakthrough came when I realized that hope, not infertility, was my problem. That sounds counter-intuitive in this age of positive thinking, but hope that highlights the absence or lack of something is truly unhelpful.  It leads to anger, jealousy, frustration, and self-pity.  It sticks you to the spot in an indefinite holding pattern and it saps the joy out of life.  If you keep digging up a seed, it’ll never grow.

So, here’s an open letter to Hopeful (and all the hopefuls out there) about how I’m learning to cope with hope:

Dear Hopeful,

I don’t know how I came to own it, but I have in my possession one of those little books they sell for $2 on the counter at bookstores—it’s called The Little Book of Tao. I initially read it like you would any book that’s the size of a matchbox—pretty flippantly.  But a couple of verses stuck in my mind.  One of them reads “hope is as hollow as fear”.  Those are tough words for a woman hoping (nay, desperately hoping) to turn the infertility corner.  The verse continues:

Hope and fear are both phantoms

that arise from thinking of the self.

When we don’t see the self as self,

what do we have to fear?

It struck me as an intriguing insight at the time, even though I wasn’t sure exactly what it meant nor how to put such a concept into practice. Frankly, it’s hard to be detached from worldly desires and stay one hundred percent Zen when you’re sticking yourself with a Follistim needle.

Then one day the concept gelled for me. I was reading an article about a study where two groups of patients received colostomy bags after bowel surgery. (Nice topic, I know). The first group was told that they would wear a colostomy bag for the rest of their lives, while the second group was told that there was a chance that in time the bag could be removed and they would poop again like normal people. After six months, the researchers followed up to see how the groups were doing. (Every patient still had a bag). Interestingly, the happiest and most positive group was group one. They were grateful to have survived bowel cancer and were getting on with life. The members of group two, on the other hand, were much more likely to be angry, depressed and wracked with the hope of having their bags removed.  Their anger and depression was deepened by feelings of jealousy, resentment, isolation, frustration and failure. It sounded familiar.

The colostomy bag study was an “ah-ha!” moment for me. I suddenly got what The Little Book of Tao was saying: Let go. Let go of fear. Let go of hope. Just let go. Have faith. Believe. Everything is okay.

I realized, there in that moment, that infertility was not the cause of my angst; hope was. When we have too tight a hold on hope we can end up focusing more on the absences in our life than the blessings. My process of letting go is not about giving up or losing hope entirely; it’s about releasing my frantic grip on it.  I’m still doing positive stuff to get pregnant (acupuncture, herbs, supplements, dietary changes, positive imagery, another IUI cycle next month), but I feel like I’m slowly learning to loosen the suffocating focus I used to have on the outcome. BFP or BFN, I did my best.

The other counsel I take is to remind myself that we’re each uniquely equipped to deal with the problems that life deals us. Okay, so I have infertility issues whereas my best friend only has to look at her husband to get knocked up.  From the outside her life looks insanely perfect—she has two kids, a loving husband, a great career and a new home. She’d be a perfect candidate to be jealous of—except that she’s also battled with breast cancer.  Breast cancer is her challenge, infertility is mine.

When it comes to dealing with challenges that get us down, a friend shared this useful analogy with me: Imagine that humanity was asked to create a giant collection of its troubles.  The collection would be formed by each of us putting our personal worries into a bag and throwing it onto a pile.  Once the pile was complete each individual would then be asked to choose a bag to take from the pile.  Whose bag of troubles would you choose?  Except in rare circumstances, I think we would each choose to reclaim our own bag of woes. Who knows what other people are dealing with?  I certainly don’t fancy the idea of cancer, not even a colostomy bag.

I hope (there goes that word again) that my thoughts somehow help. Remember: Let go. Let go of fear. Let go of hope. Just let go. Have faith. Believe. Everything is okay.

Kylie x

Kylie Hughes is a freelance writer and communication specialist. Her portfolio may be viewed at kylieghughes.com.

Finding Joy: Healthy Distractions

Stressing about infertility and all the waiting involved can sometimes seem to overpower our day-to-day activities. At work, all you hear is coworkers sharing stories about their children. After work, you go to the store, everyone is pregnant, pushing a cart with a baby in it, and/or with children. You go home to turn on the tv, it's a commercial for diapers. You change the channel, it's a commercial for back-to-school shopping. You change it again and aaack! it's "16 and pregnant"!! Is this your typical day? Some times, it sure seems like mine! I think it's healthy, at times, to practice a little escapism. Put your brain on break and focus on something completely different. Hobbies: Is there something you've always wanted to do, or get back to, but never did? How about learning to sculpt clay? Knit a sweater? Crochet a cute hat? Did you always drool over the kits sold at craft stores and think: "maybe someday"? Why not now? Be Adventuresome: Why not do that weekend trip hiking and camping in the mountains? Why not try out that new bistro in downtown? There is a college production of some cheezy play. Do it. Tai Chi classes are being offered at the gym? Go for it. Books: Well, you are here, aren't you? :) All of us editors will freely tell you that on top of the books we read for LiWBC, we have other tomes on our bedstand. If you are a lover of classics but don't know where to start, check out top 100 lists for all-time best novels. Check out the NYT's bestsellers and see if you can be *that* one who recommends books to others. Read Oprah's recommended book before she does. :) Movies: What are your tastes in movies? Do you like contemporary ones? Classics? Comedies? Drama? Mystery? Sci Fi? So many categories for a reason. Be a little adventurous and try a taste of a crossover-style movie. If you loved Kevin Spacey in American Beauty, try him out in Usual Suspects (Academy Award) and Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil. If you are a fan of Naomi Watts in The Ring, check her out in Eastern Promises with Viggo Mortensen and in King Kong with Jack Black. She also did an outstanding job in The Painted Veil. What are your go-to movies for when you are feeling blue? For me, it's Hot Rod, Conan the Barbarian, The Princess Bride and The Apartment. Plus, putting on TCM almost always gets me a nice classic movie to zone out to. Pop some corn and watch one of your old favorites or discover a new favorite.

Book Review: A Journey Through Infertility by Deborah Ray

A Book Review of A Journey Through Infertility: In Search of my Children by Deobrah Lovae Ray

Reviewed and written by Rachel Kopil.


Self published - Kindle edition only
Published in 2011

This Kindle book was donated by the author for my review.  It is a light read about the author's infertility and adoption journey.

The book begins with a brief biography of the author's early life and then her marriage to her husband.  Shortly after her marriage, Ms. Ray and her husband decide to have a child.  The author touches very lightly on her infertility diagnosis and infertility treatments.  You know she is going through these things, but she does not go into much detail.  If you are looking for a memoir where you can commiserate with the author over big needles, perpetual ultrasounds, or poor embryo quality, this is not your book.  Her purpose seems more to paint the story of how her children came to her (via adoption) than to give much information into the health side of her diagnosis.  This book will be largely more relatable to those considering or pursuing adoption. 

Mostly the second half of the book deals with the author's adoptions.  It was touching to read about how two children came into her family because a "friend of a friend of a friend" heard they were looking to adopt and linked them up with someone they knew giving up a baby.  These kind of stories are heartwarming, but I felt the author's tone was sometimes more uplifting and positive during her infertility struggles in the beginning than in her adoption struggles.  Granted, this family did have a couple of failed adoptions under their belt, which is certainly traumatic. I did actually find myself crying as each child was placed with their new family.  I felt so happy for the parents and it made me think about the day our child will be put in our arms.  But I was also still left feeling angry about how awful the birth mothers came across.  It almost scared me away from domestic adoption as an option.  I think when reading this book, you have to understand the author's desire to show adoption as another option to infertility- one that has a happy ending, but with many bumps along the way.

I appreciated reading this woman's story.  It is clear that Ms. Ray loves her two children dearly and has spent her life focusing on them.  Even with the scary picture painted of adoption, she still ends up with two children that she adores and waited a very long time for.  It does give me hope that the end result of our adoption process will be a beautiful, wonderful thing, well worth the struggles we've been through.

A special thank you to the author, Deborah Ray for donating a copy of her book.

If any readers out there have read this book before and have other thoughts, we'd love to hear from you. What did you think of the book?

Finding Friends Outside Your Normal Networks

Infertility has become a very bumpy train ride for all of us. We all thought, just starting out, that it would be quickly resolved and we could go on with our lives. Unfortunately, the train ride has been surprisingly long for most of us. As most of us have probably discovered, not everyone has jumped on this train ride with us. The reasons for this can run the gamut between the benign: they wish they could be there for you but they can't (too busy, or just don't know what to say)... to the malicious: they truly wish you this pain as redemption or comeuppance for some slight or fault of yours. For the people in the former category, I hope that the information on Resolve and found in this week's posts help find the right words and ways to support. For the people in the latter category, run away. Fast.

Many friends fall into the former category. Although they try, they just aren the help you need right now. It's easy to turn out these friends and turn into yourself. Like a Hibernating Bear. And that is fine. But it's not healthy to sustain that position. But eventually, you need to reach out and find friendship again. Even outside IF network. It is fine if your friend is also part of the IF network, but it's important to have a social time that does not involve discussing cervical mucus, IVF funding, or adoption paperwork.

One day, after reading the following FB exchange, I knew I needed just such a group. We’d been Bunco buddies and gone shopping and (MENTS) I was there for her when her first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. (END MENTS) She knows/knew about my IF stuggles.

PG friend: “DH is out of town for three whole days. This sucks so bad!”

Me: “I know what you mean. My DH travels a lot and he’s out of the house overnight at least 5 nights a month. Hopefully he’ll be home before you know it! ”

PG friend: “Yeah but it’s so much worse when you’re pregnant.”

(end conversation)

I began feeling like there was something wrong with me beyond the dysfunctional reproductive process. Am I just a cruddy friend? Do I only befriend shallow people who bail on me when I need them? Do I do the same to them? I needed someone to chat with about things other than IF.

I had heard of Meetup but didn’t know much about it and had never joined. In one day, I joined two groups for two of my hobbies. Both groups have yielded pleasant surprises for me. Warm-hearted women (and some men) who really just needed an opportunity to get away from their own crazy (or boring) lives to have a little fun and a little conversation. It’s been just over a year since I’ve joined these groups and I’ve gone to almost every single meeting. I’ve become good friends with people in both groups. Yes, you’ll probably encounter a Mombie (a very fertile woman who can only discuss childhood or pregnancy), but in all honesty, unless you are in a Mom’s group, this person will be in the minority and conversation will turn away from that.


Forewarning: some groups such as book clubs, “girl’s night” or other groups geared towards women in their 20s to 40s may be thinly-veiled mom’s groups. Nothing wrong with it but I’m guessing that’s not what we need right now. Carefully search the group description and especially the member’s profiles. If they only talk about their children, it’s possible the group is actually a “mom’s group”.

You will meet men and women of different ages and in different stages in life. Different political persuasions. Different religions. Different ethnicities. Different professions. I think that having diversity in a group lends SO much to a conversation. And I always walk away learning more. Take the time to listen to a story about sexism and working in the 50s from an elderly woman. Share some gardening tips with someone who just bought a house with a yard. Discuss roommate issues and cost of tuition (WAY higher than when I went) with a college student. Share a love for bad movies and pop culture with someone only 8 years older than you by trading quips and quotes to make each other laugh.

I’ve been in these groups for over a year. And only recently did I discover that in one group (my knitting club), at least half the women have had one type of IF or another, and in my other group (my book club), I met a fellow PCOS’er. In this case, the IF has only added to the amazingness of our relationships. You can bet your booty that they’d be there for me if I needed them too. And to think, a little over a year ago, I felt so alone! What other areas in your life have you found surprising friendship and support? Work? Church? The store?

Book Review: Budgeting for Infertility by Evelina Weidman Sterling and Angie Best-Boss

A Review of Budgeting for Infertility: How to Bring Home a Baby Without Breaking the Bank by Evelina Weidman and Angie Best-Boss

Reviewed and written my Alison Westcott

Published by: Simon & Schuster, 2009

This is a topic that is not discussed much throughout literature; Budgeting for Infertility, so these two authors did not have much competition.  With that said, Evelina Weidman Sterling and Angie Best-Boss did a very good job at discussing a wide range of budgeting techniques; from asking about cash prices at your clinic and negotiating rates, to scholarship programs for IVF and medications.  Even though this book seems to mainly be geared toward helping couples save money on IVF it also has some techniques to help save/budget in the early stages of infertility treatments and also when it comes to adoption.  

Along with the information on different budgeting techniques this book also has an extensive appendix.  These two writers really did their research, as they have included many different websites: from blogs, to support, to informative sites.  There are also check lists, budgeting tables, commonly used infertility related diagnosis codes, and a list of the best and worst states for infertility treatments and family building.  

All in all this is a very informative book.  I would definitely recommend it to all of those couples out there just like my husband and I who are faced with the scary fact of IVF being your next step.  There is no doubt; IVF is EXPENSIVE which can be very stressful and challenging.  But this book can show you that there is a light at the end of this long journey of starting a family, all you have to do is become your own advocate!  

Special thank you to Stephanie for donating her copy of this book to us and to Alison for her lovely review.

If any readers out there have read this book before and have other thoughts, we'd love to hear from you.  What did you think of the book?